Monday, May 15, 2017

Haha, so I've been doing this thing called Life these past few since birth moments and I've got to say, it's been a helleva ride so far. Many may not know, or anyone in fact, but I've recently made some changes to my life. I've gone from an 18 year old high school graduate with a crush on her nephews father/ sisters ex-boyfriend, to sneaking around with him from ages 19-22, to just recently at the age of 23 making the move and becoming a real-life couple with him. "That's weird", you might say. "You're disgusting", you might be consider. "What a whore", you're mind might say. And truthfully, yes, it is and I am those things. According to the moral code of life, they'll shall not steal your sisters ex-boyfriend and make him your own. Right...
But as a human being, that shit doesn't actually matter, because a lot of things are wrong. Almost everything you consider doing is wrong in some form. I happened to do exactly what I didn't mean to do. As a family of 6 girls, you think growing up there's no way I'm ever going to do something like that! You hear stories of that time your mom's sister slept with your father and professed her love for him while mom was in labor and you think...why the fuck would I want to be such a redneck piece of shit like that? And in truth, you don't. I didn't. But life becomes a mess, you hang with the wrong crowd and eventually they become a part of you and you them, right?  Yes, that's just how the brain works. it's easily influenced. And so when your 18 years old, never even been kissed, and your sleeping on a hardwood floor next to a 22 year old man for a long period of time, you eventually become friends. Conversation will happen, laughing might even occur. You'll probably become friends. And even though you know in your head and even your heart that a crush is a terrible thing to develop for this man laying 5 feet away from you, even though its a disaster waiting to happen, and that it shouldn't even be still will happen. Because those wrinkles in your brain mean something. You're a live. And you're only human. And feelings develop. There isn't a flush in your brain that can remove all the parts that make you a teenage girl when you need it to. Two people eventually become attracted to each other. He might even try to tickle you here and there and might bring a piece of cake home to snack on in the kitchen late at night. he's just a guy, you're just a girl. Two people with blood pumping through their veins and no way to stop that with the exception of death.
Why were we both sleeping on a hardwood floor? Because when you're a part of the lower class and you have people in your life that are also that way, sometimes you all just sort of combine in this one three bedroom home where sleeping on hardwood floors in the living room because there are no other places is just what's going to happen. Everyone thought we could be trusted and why not. Neither of us were looking to begin this madness. but began it did. a girl lost her virginity on that pile of blankets on the that floor. and then the real secrets began.
Starting college made life easier for them to continue because he was living in his own home again, her still with her mother, sisters, and nephews, and so she began to travel to his home. Almost everyday. This was what life had become a year later. and then a year after that, she was still coming to his home, skipping classes, being a 20 year old girl in love with a boy she knew couldn't possibly feel the same way but couldn't stop herself anyway. Change is a difficult thing to adapt to, and she decided she would continue living two different lives, one being with her boyfriend she couldn't quite have a future with, and the other being at home pretending her lies and their suspicious looks didn't exist. But it wasn't just lies to her family she told, she went on telling friends, and strangers, and coworkers about her boyfriend, giving him a different name because god forbid they should ever find out her nephews' father has the same name. for five years she spent her life being one secret after another. Until one day, after living on her own, in her studio apartment 5 minutes from her work, and conveniently 10 minutes from his home, they began to break away from the lies. She began to go in public with him, she met his family for the first time. She told her best friend the truth, her mother the truth. She moved into his home with his son helping her do it. What kind of human being are you? she asks herself. Because to be a sane person, and to so easily fall in love with the wrong man, to live a completely separate life for 5 years from your family and friends, to let her nephew who she loves so deeply help her move her into his fathers home knowing it could be hurting his mother so much. To suddenly feel so free and happy with her life because she's getting the relationship she's always wanted with him, finally! She's a terrible person, and she is reminded of it every day.
Her relationship with him is stronger than ever. And her mom was accepting, even her three other sisters haven't exactly cut her off. She can still see her nephews, and her give his real name out to her coworkers. She' even developed a relationship with his family. They've been nice to her ever since, but really, how fake might their smiles be to the whore willing to lie and build a relationship with her sister's babies dad? She doesn't trust their smiles. She can't even trust herself. She's told so many lies, she's put so much of herself behind her "self" that she's not sure who's real. She hurt people, she's lied, and now she acts as though her life is normal. Like she has done no wrong. She's content, sharing his bed, taking care of his kids/her nephews with him every weekend. Her sister deleted her as a friend on Facebook. It's been a few months since she moved in with him, and has said a few words to her at family gathers but really, why would that be a good idea? She's a traitor, she's probably going to die alone, she's so insecure about herself now.
She loves him with all her heart, and he her. But the truth will always be there. No matter how far into the future we get together, she will have forever altered her family in the worst way possible. She will never be trusted. She may show up at BBQ's but she'll never be able to marry this man and have everyone there blessing her life with him, she'll never feel secure in her choice because how can she knowing the path she took to get here.
She's worried karma is going to be a bitch. and it will be, it's only a matter of time. I'm sad for her, because she is me, and I have a lot to own up to in my life, and I still can't quite believe who I've become. I remember looking up my exact case on the Internet, just wondering if there was another person going through this, and with as a huge reality check I was met with zero results. I can't describe how it feels to know that your case my reality is so fucked up that I can't find an example on the place where everything beings and ends.
I'm happy and that is the scariest, most ridiculous thing that could have ever happened to me in this life I've chosen.
Never mind the grammar! One day I'll proof read this and die of humiliation, but for now I'm okay with just speaking this very bleak and not even near the whole story story.

Not a victim, just a blogger

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