Monday, May 15, 2017

Haha, so I've been doing this thing called Life these past few since birth moments and I've got to say, it's been a helleva ride so far. Many may not know, or anyone in fact, but I've recently made some changes to my life. I've gone from an 18 year old high school graduate with a crush on her nephews father/ sisters ex-boyfriend, to sneaking around with him from ages 19-22, to just recently at the age of 23 making the move and becoming a real-life couple with him. "That's weird", you might say. "You're disgusting", you might be consider. "What a whore", you're mind might say. And truthfully, yes, it is and I am those things. According to the moral code of life, they'll shall not steal your sisters ex-boyfriend and make him your own. Right...
But as a human being, that shit doesn't actually matter, because a lot of things are wrong. Almost everything you consider doing is wrong in some form. I happened to do exactly what I didn't mean to do. As a family of 6 girls, you think growing up there's no way I'm ever going to do something like that! You hear stories of that time your mom's sister slept with your father and professed her love for him while mom was in labor and you think...why the fuck would I want to be such a redneck piece of shit like that? And in truth, you don't. I didn't. But life becomes a mess, you hang with the wrong crowd and eventually they become a part of you and you them, right?  Yes, that's just how the brain works. it's easily influenced. And so when your 18 years old, never even been kissed, and your sleeping on a hardwood floor next to a 22 year old man for a long period of time, you eventually become friends. Conversation will happen, laughing might even occur. You'll probably become friends. And even though you know in your head and even your heart that a crush is a terrible thing to develop for this man laying 5 feet away from you, even though its a disaster waiting to happen, and that it shouldn't even be still will happen. Because those wrinkles in your brain mean something. You're a live. And you're only human. And feelings develop. There isn't a flush in your brain that can remove all the parts that make you a teenage girl when you need it to. Two people eventually become attracted to each other. He might even try to tickle you here and there and might bring a piece of cake home to snack on in the kitchen late at night. he's just a guy, you're just a girl. Two people with blood pumping through their veins and no way to stop that with the exception of death.
Why were we both sleeping on a hardwood floor? Because when you're a part of the lower class and you have people in your life that are also that way, sometimes you all just sort of combine in this one three bedroom home where sleeping on hardwood floors in the living room because there are no other places is just what's going to happen. Everyone thought we could be trusted and why not. Neither of us were looking to begin this madness. but began it did. a girl lost her virginity on that pile of blankets on the that floor. and then the real secrets began.
Starting college made life easier for them to continue because he was living in his own home again, her still with her mother, sisters, and nephews, and so she began to travel to his home. Almost everyday. This was what life had become a year later. and then a year after that, she was still coming to his home, skipping classes, being a 20 year old girl in love with a boy she knew couldn't possibly feel the same way but couldn't stop herself anyway. Change is a difficult thing to adapt to, and she decided she would continue living two different lives, one being with her boyfriend she couldn't quite have a future with, and the other being at home pretending her lies and their suspicious looks didn't exist. But it wasn't just lies to her family she told, she went on telling friends, and strangers, and coworkers about her boyfriend, giving him a different name because god forbid they should ever find out her nephews' father has the same name. for five years she spent her life being one secret after another. Until one day, after living on her own, in her studio apartment 5 minutes from her work, and conveniently 10 minutes from his home, they began to break away from the lies. She began to go in public with him, she met his family for the first time. She told her best friend the truth, her mother the truth. She moved into his home with his son helping her do it. What kind of human being are you? she asks herself. Because to be a sane person, and to so easily fall in love with the wrong man, to live a completely separate life for 5 years from your family and friends, to let her nephew who she loves so deeply help her move her into his fathers home knowing it could be hurting his mother so much. To suddenly feel so free and happy with her life because she's getting the relationship she's always wanted with him, finally! She's a terrible person, and she is reminded of it every day.
Her relationship with him is stronger than ever. And her mom was accepting, even her three other sisters haven't exactly cut her off. She can still see her nephews, and her give his real name out to her coworkers. She' even developed a relationship with his family. They've been nice to her ever since, but really, how fake might their smiles be to the whore willing to lie and build a relationship with her sister's babies dad? She doesn't trust their smiles. She can't even trust herself. She's told so many lies, she's put so much of herself behind her "self" that she's not sure who's real. She hurt people, she's lied, and now she acts as though her life is normal. Like she has done no wrong. She's content, sharing his bed, taking care of his kids/her nephews with him every weekend. Her sister deleted her as a friend on Facebook. It's been a few months since she moved in with him, and has said a few words to her at family gathers but really, why would that be a good idea? She's a traitor, she's probably going to die alone, she's so insecure about herself now.
She loves him with all her heart, and he her. But the truth will always be there. No matter how far into the future we get together, she will have forever altered her family in the worst way possible. She will never be trusted. She may show up at BBQ's but she'll never be able to marry this man and have everyone there blessing her life with him, she'll never feel secure in her choice because how can she knowing the path she took to get here.
She's worried karma is going to be a bitch. and it will be, it's only a matter of time. I'm sad for her, because she is me, and I have a lot to own up to in my life, and I still can't quite believe who I've become. I remember looking up my exact case on the Internet, just wondering if there was another person going through this, and with as a huge reality check I was met with zero results. I can't describe how it feels to know that your case my reality is so fucked up that I can't find an example on the place where everything beings and ends.
I'm happy and that is the scariest, most ridiculous thing that could have ever happened to me in this life I've chosen.
Never mind the grammar! One day I'll proof read this and die of humiliation, but for now I'm okay with just speaking this very bleak and not even near the whole story story.

Not a victim, just a blogger

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

It's okay Boys:)

The Reds, my lovely Reds lost tonight against the Pirates! Sucks i know, but they could win all and they had a pretty good winning streak going on. Why just before two days ago they were on a 6 game winning streak which included 17 homers and two grand slams! Yeah, my guys are awesome and they could have tried harder tonight but that's okay...I'm okay with this. It was 2 to 1 at the end of the ninth so it wasn't a terrible loss. I'm proud of them, the do great and they work hard to win and they have fun/ Fun is important to bring to the table of baseball because the games can quickly becoming sleep worthy.
 I didn't watch all of tonight's game because of that dang school work so I'm not exactly sure where they went wrong but better luck tomorrow boys.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Almost forgot

  So, because i haven't written anything in quite some time i almost forgot to yell a little something.........................So, now i will yell that little something.........................................BASEBALL SEASON HAS OFFICIALLY STARTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YEAH!! I really hope I'm not the only one excited about it because its actually quite awesome. I went to the Reds opening day parade with my family and had a blast. The weather was great and we even won the game. Lately, we haven't been doing as well as i had hoped but what can i do? Exactly, nothing! (Unless, suddenly i meet Joey Votto, we fall in love, get married, and i become is lucky charm and BAM! We win all the games!!!... Oh, what big dreams i have! Maybe in another life, though.xD)I'm really excited about going to my first game this season which should be soon. You should come, it would be great!! Unless I'm talking to myself, which i really hope I'm not but if i am then i am graciously accepting my invitation to go to the game. I'm going to post a couple of opening day parade pics that i got in hope that at least on person reads this and sees them and thinks of how cool it must have been to have gone. Or maybe you won't think its cool and I'm just a lame that gets easily entertained, either way i hope someone looks at my pictures and smiles. This is the Reds year, i can almost feel it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S Send the Reds some love Tristen♥

A Night of Dark Cookies....

I know on yesterday's post that i said i would talk about more of the suckiness that has happened lately but I'm really not in the mood to talk about that right now. So instead I'm going to talk about how sometimes its funny living in my house.
So since Paige's bf moved in a couple months ago, Trisha and i have been sleeping in the living room, her on the couch and me on the floor. Anyway a couple nights ago i was tossing and turning like usual when i hear a noise very close, in the room i happen to be sprawled across.. Popping my eyes open really quickly i jump from my fat cat sleeping right next to me on my pillow. Oh, btw, i have two new cats! Well they're not really new, they're each like 7 years old and if you count that in dog years that would be 49 years old...Although, technically why wold you count that as dog years seeing as they are both cats, not dogs?! Hmmm...that's an interesting concept and i will have to come back to it another time.... Anyway, their names are Thunder and Killer, they both are huge, like crazy big cats that sorta look like lions seen form a distance. Killer is the thinner, white one that recently got in a fight with some sort of animal outside the living room window at 2:30 in the morning and Thunder is the fat, orange one the is scared to death of every other person in the house besides me(!!!) because I'm too awesome not to love!!xD They were given to us by Zach's dad, Jarrod because..well because i really wanted a fat cat and he had two!!!!!!!
Okay, and back to the point of this story..(seriously, i think i might have a little bit of personality disorder because yesterday i was in tears writing and now i can't stop smiling over my own cats!! Oh, and i promise i will post pics up as soon as possible because they are just too awesome. I can't call them adorable because well they look like they could kill me if they wanted to quite easily.)..Okay, now seriously back to the point of this!!!......So after a scared Thunder away by shaking him of my pillow i heard the noise again. My poor Trishy Dawling was sitting up on the couch hitting the glass table, trying to move it away from the couch so she could stand up. At first i thought, okay, so maybe she has to pee or something but then i was almost certain she was going to stand on the glass table!!! Finally she moved it out of her way, by this time I'm sitting up a little worried about her, checking to make sure she doesn't fall into a wall on her way to bathroom (technically i would have cracked up if she would have but that's just because i might unintentionally be a bitch sometimes=))
Instead of walking to the bathroom she turns the complete opposite way and heads toward the front door!! She starts knocking and banging on the door, I'm freaking out wondering what the heck she's on! I asked her what she's doing and she says she had "to go find some dark cookies for them." Naturally, i assume the "them" she is referring to is the boys (our nephews) because, well, they love cookies. I start laughing telling her she can't unlock the door (now she is trying to unlock the door!) i explain to her that she needs to lay back down, that nobody wants cookies, that the door is locked and she doesn't need to go outside right now. Her being a weirdo is very stubborn and after approx. 2 minutes of trying to unlock the door and listening to me tell her to go back to sleep she turns around suddenly lays back down and pops out this crazy loud snore!
Okay, wth!!
I woke up the next morning cracking up, making sure i told everybody this story and wishing like crazy that someone else was there t witness this girl trying to walk out the house at 1:34am to find some dark cookies! I'm just glad the door was locked and I'm not a light sleeper or that could have been bad for poor Trish, lol.
It always cracks me up how other people sleep, it almost makes me worry about my own sleeping habits, but I'm pretty sure i would have heard form somebody that i woke up sleep talking and walking around!!
It was a funny night, something I'm very glad not to have missed!!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Tristen Ryan 7/25/09-12/21/11

So much has happened since the last time i wrote, too much in fact, that i know I'm going to get tired of writing before i get through most of it. First and foremost, i think it needs to be said that life actually sucks....I mean it really sucks, in that way that makes you want to cry every time you open your eyes because you know you're going to think of that thing that hurts more than a thousand times today. I don't know if it's just PMS that's put me in this fragile state of mind or what it is but something has me sitting here listening to old songs, mostly sad songs and i feel like crying but i can't do that because I'm not in the room alone and i don't feel like explaining the tears in my eyes. It's safe to say though, that listening to these songs is not improving my mood, its just reminding me of everything i don't want to think about and yet can't stop thinking about. I could call it a chick thing that makes me want to cry for no real reason but that might suggest that all women are weak and weird and like to cry over nothing. Maybe that's just me though, or the hand fulls of women like me. Then again, i guess i do have a reason to cry, lots of reasons, some I've brought upon myself in an act of pure stupidity and than others that were more a shock than anything i could possibly predict. That's life though, right? Life's full of all these things, all these surprises, changes, and thoughts that are put there as obstacles to see your reaction or to shake up life because without them life would be a little too close to perfect and that's not how a human being is suppose to live. We make mistakes, we hurt, and we cry, its life and nothing we can do about it.
To start everything that has happened recently, first I'll speak of the untimely death of one of my little guys. No, he wasn't one of my actual nephews but he was...gosh he was something special. The ironic thing though is i never knew how special he was until i found out he was gone. Tristen Ryan Sanders, a bubbly, big eyed, curly hair boy that knew just how to make me smile passed away in a house fire on 12/21/11, four days before Christmas. He was by himself, that little boy, he was all alone in the house because his so called god father was in the backyard doing things he shouldn't be doing while babysitting children. One of his real kids caught the house on fire and my little Tristen, asleep in the bedroom was killed. Its hard to talk or even think about this because its so sad and fresh still but i miss that little boy so much and the weird thing is we weren't really that close. He had a way though, that made everybody wrap around his finger in an instant. He was such a little rotten baby and i can remember on many occasions complaining about having to babysit him but my god, if i could have him here just one more day.
Jessica, Tristen's mom is my older sister, Tiffany's, best friend and that day when we found out what had happened we had watched the news and heard about a baby dieing in a fire but at that moment i felt sorry for the family but didn't give it another thought until the phone rang. That scream, you can never forget a scream like that. Tiffany was trying to get ahold of Brandon and Jessica and when she finally did she heard he'd passed and...and you just heard that scream, that scream that i had only heard one other time, the time Tiffany had her miscarriage, and i ran downstairs and there she was crying and screaming and she blurted out those words "Tristen's dead" she'd said...and my heart broke.
Tiffany and i went to the hospital that evening to be with Jessica because she...she wasn't coping very well obviously and they had to sedate her. I can't imagine how it can be to find your child is dead, he died with someone she trusted to protect to him and that SOB was in the backyard with his friends and didn't even think to run in the house for him, to save him.
I've known loss, of course, everybody has but this little boy, the passing of him, to find this horrible tragedy was related to me, to my family, to my friends. That the little boy that i held on my lap on my birthday watching fireworks, the little boy that shared a birthday with my nephew was gone....The funeral was tough, one of the hardest things and at the time i didn't go up to see his open casket but I'm not the type to want to see death, to look it in the eye and see the life it has in its grip. I couldn't make my legs take me to his casket to get one last look at him and I was grateful then that i didn't see him but all i can think about now is how much i wish i would have had one last look at him. I wish i would have kissed his little forehead and said good bye in the way that i should have. He wasn't one of my own, he wasn't one of nephews where i know for a fact i couldn't bare to lose but he was...Every great once in a while someone comes into your life, just a second of their voice, laugh, smile, and eyes can touch your heart in a way you had no idea of until its too late and your standing at his grave site watching his mother break down and all you can do is try not to cry.
That little boy was at my house two days before he passed away opening his Christmas presents from us. He was leaving to go with his mom and i had wanted a hug but Tiffany was in a rush to take him out to the car that i just said "Oh well, next time." but there wasn't a next time, the back of that little boys head was the last i saw of him and i hurt so bad knowing i had the chance to hug him one last time and didn't take advantage of the moment but instead brushed it off thinking there would be plenty more. Two days later though, everything changed. That little boy won't get to grow up with my Mr. Michael, they won't be best friends, stealing each others girl friends, getting into trouble, fights, and having guys night or what ever boys do together because Tristen's gone.
Jessica and Brandon, Tristen's parents, they try to stay as strong as they can but they're barely holding on. They try to keep as busy as they can so as not to sit too long and have a lot of time to think. They are both so young. Jessica only 23, her first child, her only child and he disappeared in a storm of waves that can torture her heart like nothing she has ever felt. The day after Tristen passed we went to her house to see her and she just laid on her bed crying, just screaming about her baby, screaming for her babies pain as he sat in that room crying scared for his mommy and daddy. The picture of that is the scariest thing but its there in all of our heads that knew that little boy, to know that he was in that room, hurting, needing his parents more than then anytime he ever would've. Its so sad because Jessica was only 15 minutes late from picking him up when she got the call about the fire and as she rushed to that house unsure of her babies life or death i can't even imagine the things running through her mind. Brandon, he still to this day will not talk about Tristen, his feelings, or how hurt he is. He feels its not a man's way but he lost his son, his two year old baby and he should be able to talk about it. I think its just too hard for him and i only hope that one day he gets the strength. Jessica blames herself, if she wouldn't have been late picking him up, if she wouldn't have let him stay the night at that house, if she would have left him with his normal babysitter, but the what ifs are going to kill her, and the blame, oh lord the blame, it will drown her a million times never really killing her only making her feel like she should be dead. Brandon lashed out at Jessica one day when she was trying to get him to open up and he told her that he blamed her for Tristen's death, that she should have been there. To hear those words spoken from my point are hurtful but for Jessica, to have heard those words must have torn her insides apart and I'm sure she thinks about that everyday. I pray that they make it through this time together, that they remember that they were a family before and they need to protect and keep each other safe, to keep each other strong.
Since his death they both have gotten tattoo's in memory of their son, and just today Jessica started her first day of college. She wants to make her life worth something, she doesn't want to sit around and not do something out of her son's death. She wants to better herself and gosh she's so brave, so unbelievably strong, she is!! We went to see him at the cemetery today but his tombstone still isn't there; they had to have it done custom to carve his picture in it so it has definitely been taking a long time to get there. We have so far, since his death, taken him up flowers, teddy bears, Easter baskets, his favorite juice, valentines candy and all kinds of other things to let him know that we have not forgotten his handsome face. A month after his passing there was a benefit held for him at Fricker's sports bar; so many people showed up in support of him and they managed to raise over 4,000 dollars which was enough to pay for his funeral arrangements, tombstone, and donate some to other families who have lost children. That's something i don't understand! They are good people, kind, loving, and their son was their life so why him? Why did Tristen have to get taken from these two loving people? It just doesn't make any sense to me but i guess its not suppose to. I know i shouldn't wonder about these kinds of things, there is a reason for everything but...there are somethings that the not knowing, the not understanding can tear you apart....
Jessica let us know not too long ago that the case against the man that was suppose to be watching Tristen has be let go. They are not going to charge him because his own children will not let the police know that he wasn't even in the house at the time, that he was in the backyard with his friends. How do we know than, that he wasn't in the house at the fire starting time? Simple, his neighbor saw him outside. You see they lived in a duplex where the houses are connected and the neighbor had been trying to nurse his sick wife at the time and he had to complaint o the men several time about being too loud while his wife tried to sleep. The neighbor heard the kids running out of their house screaming about a fire and Tristen's god father came running yelling "The baby's in the house! The baby's in the house still!" The neighbor got his own wife out and then tried to save Tristen and ended up getting injured in the process. That coward man didn't even attempt to save him. The police should have gotten him with child neglect or something, that baby shouldn't have passed like that and not get justice at all. Like i said, Jessica told us the charges were dropped but she still hasn't told Brandon. She fears he won't be able to handle it and he'd go kill that man or something to get himself into trouble and/or hurt.
To anyone who has every lost someone i am so sorry that that had to happen to you and to those of you that don't know that kind of loss, please keep everyone close, hug them goodbye every chance you get for heavens sack and look at them, breathe them in, watch their eyes observe a room, just cherish them, love them, keep them in your hearts because life is tricky, mean, hard, cold, and ruthless, it takes anyone in the time it takes a snowflake to melt on your tongue.
There's still a lot to say about this little boy but its basically the exact same thing just in different words, talk of how much i miss him, how much he was loved, how his parents are suffering, etc. and I'm already in tears, and i need to stop. The next time i write will be soon and i will talk about some other stuff that has happened recently.
♥ Tristen Ryan forever.......